Caring about our words isn’t the problem

Assalaamu’alaykum,

In my last email, I invited you to begin noticing how you manage yourself in your interactions with others.

I'd like to go a little deeper because I think many of us struggle to recognise where the line is between being conscientious in our faith and slipping into overthinking and constantly questioning ourselves. As Muslims, we’re taught to think before we speak, to be careful with people’s feelings and to take responsibility when we get things wrong. These are beautiful qualities taught and demonstrated by our Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم and ones we should absolutely strive towards.

So how do we know when that care has turned into something else?

For a long time, I genuinely couldn’t tell the difference. If anything, I assumed all my going over things was a sign of a conscientious heart. I was just being careful, I told myself.

But there's a difference between being intentional with our words and actions, as our faith teaches us to be, and constantly measuring our worth through the reactions of other people.

One comes from a place of consciousness and responsibility before Allah. The other can leave us feeling as though we’re constantly being assessed, even when nobody is actually assessing us.

From the outside they can look almost identical. Both involve thinking about what we've said and both can occupy a surprising amount of space in our minds (and hearts!).

One of the clearest ways I’ve found to tell them apart is to ask: does this have an end?

Take something as ordinary as sending a message to a friend. Being intentional might mean reading it through first, checking that the tone is kind and that nothing could easily be taken the wrong way. Then you send it and that's that.

Measuring looks different. You send it and that’s when the checking begins... Have they read it? Why haven’t they replied yet? When the reply does come, you study it. Was it shorter than usual? Does it sound a bit off?

Being intentional gives us something we can take responsibility for. Was I kind? Was I fair? Did I do my best? If something wasn't right, we can put it right, ask Allah's forgiveness and do our best to let it rest. There's a real lightness in that.

Measuring never quite finishes, because the answer doesn’t belong to us. It sits in someone else’s mood, their day, their reply. So it’s never really settled.

This week, when you notice yourself going over something, try asking: is this a question I can actually answer? If it is, answer it honestly and take whatever step is needed. If the only answer lies in someone else’s hands, that’s often a sign you’ve moved from being intentional into measuring.
Simply noticing that shift can loosen its hold a little.

This isn't about caring less about people. It's about learning to care for the right reasons, without losing ourselves in the process.

Tomorrow, I'm excited to share a short free audio with you.

It begins with a phone call I made around twelve years ago. At the time it seemed like an ordinary moment, but it eventually helped me recognise something much deeper about myself. Something that was showing up not just in my overthinking but in my reactions and in the ways I sometimes behaved that didn't quite feel like me.

Keep an eye on your inbox for it, inshaAllah.