Do you do this after seeing people?

Assalaamu’alaykum,

We all live very different lives but the struggles we carry on the inside can be surprisingly similar. Over the past decade of coaching, I've noticed certain patterns come up again and again.

One of the most common, and one I lived with myself for a long time, goes something like this...

You've spent the evening with family or friends. The food was good, the conversation flowed and everyone left smiling. By any measure, it went well.

But if you're honest, although you were physically there, you were only partially present.

You spoke, you laughed, you joined in, but somewhere in the background of your mind there was a constant chatter. You were listening to others while also listening to yourself, subconsciously monitoring what you were saying, how you were coming across and what others might be thinking of you.

Then you get in the car or close the front door behind you and that internal conversation carries on.

Why did I say that? Did that come across the wrong way? They went a bit quiet after I mentioned it. Did I upset them? Maybe I shouldn't have said that.

Somehow a lovely evening becomes something you're still going over long after everyone else has forgotten about it.

For a long time that's how many of my conversations felt and I didn't know it could be any different. Some people are relaxed in company and some people overthink. I'd have put myself firmly in the second group.

What I didn't realise back then was that all that replaying wasn't really about the conversation at all. Overthinking wasn't my problem, it was a symptom of something much deeper that I hadn't yet recognised.

And when I eventually began to understand what was really happening, particularly through the lens of my faith, it completely changed the way I saw myself and how I felt around others.

Over the next few emails I'd like to explore this with you, because I believe this pattern touches far more areas of our lives than we realise.

For now, I'd love you to try one small thing this week.

Just begin to notice.

Notice how often you're having a conversation with someone while having another one with yourself. Notice when you find yourself replaying an interaction, wondering whether you said the right thing or whether someone thought well of you.

You don't need to fix it, judge yourself for it or try to stop it. Just become curious about what's happening within you.

And if this resonates with you, I hope you'll take some comfort in knowing you're not alone. Sometimes the first step towards meaningful change is just becoming aware of something we've been doing for so long that we no longer even notice it.

Reflection of the Week

When you're around others...

Reflect on how much of your attention is spent being genuinely present and how much is spent wondering how you're being perceived?

Dua of the Week

اللَّهُمَّ إِنِّي أَسْأَلُكَ الْهُدَى وَالتُّقَى وَالْعَفَافَ وَالْغِنَى

Allahumma inni as'alukal-huda wat-tuqa wal-'afafa wal-ghina.

“O Allah, I ask You for guidance, piety, chastity and self-sufficiency.”

Sahih Muslim

Allah's name of the Week

Ar-Raqeeb (ٱلرَّقِيبُ) The Ever-Watchful

Ya Raqeeb, when we become so caught up in how others see us, remind us that it is Your gaze that truly matters. Help us to free our hearts from the constant need for approval and reassurance, and guide us to become more conscious of You in our words, actions and intentions. Grant us the peace of knowing that You see us, You know us and nothing within our hearts is hidden from You.

Aameen ya rabbal aalameen.