How self-control changes your relationships

Assalaamu’alaykum,

A client once came to me because every time she was around her in-laws, she felt judged and wronged. Even the thought of meeting them filled her with anxiety.

The anticipation of what might be said would weigh so heavily on her that she began avoiding them as much as possible. 

Yet, they still occupied her mind far more than she wanted. 

And when she did have to be in their presence, the hurt and resentment would rise to the surface, leaving her defensive, reactive, even hostile.

In those moments, it felt satisfying to retaliate, almost like it was her right and a way of protecting herself. 

But afterwards, she would always face the aftermath, like a storm leaving destruction in its wake. She felt angry at herself, angry at them, regretful and still burdened by the same bitterness that weighed down on her heart.

When we began working together, we went deeper than the surface arguments. We explored her patterns of thought, her approach, her pain. We brought her faith into the process, connected her with her values, her self-knowledge and her aspirational self.

And slowly, she began to transcend it.

The impulsive thoughts lost their grip. She became anchored in something far deeper, something that compelled her to look at everything through a different lens. 

With that courage, she started to manage herself differently and in turn, saw changes she hadn’t expected.

The intensity of her negative emotions eased and to her surprise, she even began to notice small shifts in her in-laws. 

And when words were spoken to her that once would have sent her spiralling, they now washed over her with little to no effect.

In fact, she even discovered within herself the ability to extend compassion and mercy towards them, something she had never thought possible. And it made her feel good about herself, leaving her in a far better state than the heaviness she once carried.

If you’ve ever felt caught in that cycle with someone or even a group of people, where the hurt lingers, your reactions feel hard to control and letting go feels beyond your reach, here are three steps that may help you rise above those negative feelings:

1. Notice the stirrings within. Before reacting, tune into what’s rising inside you... the tightening in your chest, the quickening of your breath, the heat of your emotions. Simply noticing gives you a little more self-control and opens a doorway for wisdom to step in.
2. Reconnect with your higher self. Ask: “How would the best version of me respond right now?”
3. Bring Allah into the moment. Remember, He sees your hurt and your effort to rise above it and He rewards every ounce of restraint.

But being able to do these steps in the heat of the moment is not easy. It takes a lot of self-awareness and that’s the kind of inner work we do together in coaching. It’s not about forcing change but about uncovering the deeper wisdom already within you and aligning it with your faith and values. It’s a chance to reset the patterns that no longer serve you and to find practical, grounded solutions to the challenges you’ve been dealing with.

If you’re wanting better for yourself, to hold yourself to a higher standard that feels more aligned with your best self and keeps you closer to Allah, I’d love to explore this with you. You can book a call with me here to see if coaching is the right step for you right now, inshaAllah:

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I look forward to connecting with you, InshaAllah.

P.S. Here are a few ways we can stay connected and work together:

1.  Take the Spiritual Confidence Quiz – discover your unique strengths and growth areas when it comes to showing up with faith-led confidence. Take the quiz here

2. Watch our most-loved webinars – gain lifetime access to powerful teachings that have resonated deeply with hearts around the world. Get access here.

3. Join the Telegram community – receive weekly, faith-rooted reminders to uplift your heart and keep you spiritually anchored through life’s ups and downs. Join here. 

Reflection of the Week

Think of a time someone’s words triggered hurt in you.

How did you respond, and how might it look different if you were anchored in your faith and higher self?

Dua of the Week

رَبَّنَا اغْفِرْ لَنَا وَلِإِخْوَانِنَا ٱلَّذِينَ سَبَقُونَا بِٱلۡإِيمَـٰنِ وَلَا

تَجۡعَلۡ فِي قُلُوبِنَا غِلًّۭا لِّلَّذِينَ ءَامَنُوا۟ رَبَّنَآ إِنَّكَ

رَءُوفٌۭ رَّحِيمٌۭ

"Our Lord, forgive us and our brothers who preceded us in faith, and put not in our hearts [any] resentment toward those who have believed. Our Lord, indeed You are Kind and Merciful." (Surah Al-Hashr, ayah 10)